


Schnow Vhite und de T'ree Jägers

by herdthinner



Series: Gaslamp Fairy Tales [1]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Comedy, Fairy Tale Style, Fractured Fairy Tale, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1607513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herdthinner/pseuds/herdthinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some silly fun with the Girl Genius crew.</p><p>Cinderella was already done, so I'm trying a few other "classics." If anyone else has done the same, I swear that I haven't seen them! Any similarities are entirely coincidental!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Schnow Vhite und de T'ree Jägers - Part Vun

**Author's Note:**

> Originally shared with the horde at Jagerkin.tk, as well as Livejournal and Wordpress.
> 
> "This story is not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment."

\--------------------

The King and Queen of a prosperous land had a child, a girl, with hair like spun gold that sometimes had strawberry highlights if her colorist remembered to add them, eyes green as emeralds, medium complexion and lips of natural color. They named her Snow White, because why not?

Snow showed a cleverness and brightness atypical of other children her age, especially other Princesses her age. Rather than spend her days having her hair braided, having servants pour fake tea at fake tea parties, and having fashion shows as an excuse to wear all of her dresses in one day, Snow's interests leaned a bit more towards the creation of mechanical wonders, such as a clank that flipped pancakes.

She was five at the time; cut her some slack.

She also had an unusual, but appealing singing voice that reversed the magnetic poles, aligned all planets, commanded the tides, and caused little forest animals to accompany her everywhere and sing harmony when the need arose. When she sang to herself, her mind was more focused, to where she felt she could accomplish anything! She was the shiniest apple of her father's eye. They spent hours together: talking, reading, frolicking in meadows, studying the latest scientific discoveries, dissecting the animals that she lured to her with her singing...

The Queen, growing more jealous each day of her daughter's burgeoning brains and beauty, not to mention stealing her husband's attention, schemed and plotted to remove the child so she could start over. Perhaps a son who fell far short of her own mind and good looks? The thought of it made her burst into cackling. A lightning storm outside obliged her wicked Madness with electrical punctuation.

The Queen did not have a very strong maternal instinct.

********

By now the girl had somehow survived to twelve years of age. The Queen consulted her closest advisors, the Geisterdamen, for their wisdom.

"Oh, Geisterdamen!" she said. "Speak plain to me; am I hotter and schmotter than my daughter?"

"We serve you unwaveringly, oh our Queen," said the most geist of the Geisterdamen, "And are not allowed to claim anyone else but you as Hottest and Schmottest in the Land."

"You got that right," said the Queen, and was satisfied. The girl would live, for now. Her mood brightened, she concocted an untraceable poison and killed the King with it. Snow lacked the detecting skills at the time to discern the true cause of his death, and was inconsolable. But then, over time and much to the Queen's dismay, she became more thoughtful and sensitive. She wrote poems and songs in honor of her father and "regaled" her mother with them, who could barely stomach their insipid sentimentality. Would nothing bring down this child??

Meanwhile, the Queen was enjoying the attentions of the many swains courting her - human, construct, and... other - but strung them all along. As long as she was single, she could rule as Queen on her own. As long as she was the hottest in all the land, the girl would live.

When that wretched girl Snow escaped yet more of her inescapable death traps to live to the ripe old age of sixteen, she consulted her Geisterdamen again.

"Oh, Geisterdamen!" she said. "Speak plain to me; am I hotter and schmotter than my daughter?"

"We serve you unwaveringly, oh our Queen," said the most geist of the Geisterdamen, "But... uh...."

"Buuuuut?"

 ** _"...Sheisreallyquitethelooker!!"_** The most geist of the Geisterdamen fell to the floor before her Queen, kowtowing and whimpering. "Forgive us, oh our Queen, for we have wavered! But you compelled us to speak plain! In fact, your daughter is also schmotter than-"

"Do **not** finish that sentence," warned the Queen. She paced furiously all around the chambers, her priestesses watching silently, fearfully. The most geist of the Geisterdamen was still prone. Finally the Queen stopped, and without looking down, stamped down hard, right where her high priestess' head was. The others flinched at the sickening popping sounds but dared not look its way.

"Take her away!" spat the Queen, pointing dramatically. The priestesses grabbed their most geist and began dragging her away, until that same high priestess barked at them all and stood up, wiping the dirt from her hands.

The Queen pointed at the floor. " **And take that stupid bubble wrap with you!** " Muttering to themselves, the Geisterdamen gathered up all the loud packing material and slinked away. One of them accidentally popped several bubbles at once, earning a Look from her Majesty. They hurried as one outside.

The Queen activated her castle-wide communication system and called for her Huntsman. He arrived fashionably late, snacking on an apple. He was a stout, dark-haired man of common intelligence, and was mostly stalwart, except when things got a bit too dangerous. He stopped before the Queen and almost took another bite of his meal, but the hairy eyeball she threw his way made him reconsider. He kicked away the grotesque eyeball, then met her with his own Look that spoke volumes. It said, _I hate my job, but it's a living_.

"Huntsman," she said, "I have a task for you. One of the most utmost of importance... _and of secrecy_. You will tell no one of this, _or die slowly and painfully for it_."

"I see," said the Huntsman. He bowed shallowly and turned to leave. "I quit! And no, I'm not dumb enough to expect extended benefits. Have fun with the next guy!"

"Get back here, you idiot!" said the Queen, stamping her foot. When he kept walking: "I'll double your pay!" she cried. He stopped, but did not turn around. "Triple!" He sort of looked over his shoulder. "Quadruple! And do not test me, Huntsman, for that is the final offer!"

The Huntsman paused a moment, then trudged his way back to her and folded his arms.

"You will hunt a very particular prey for me," she said conspiratorily. "A very _special_ prey. A quarry unlike any other you may have faced! Oh, you might find it beautiful to behold, and it might look upon you with saaaad, sooooulful eyes, but all of that will be a trick! There is a cunning to it that belies a wretched, deceitful, _aaaaggravating nature that_ -!!"

"Is this a human you're talking about?" said the Huntsman.

"...What? That's absurd! _A human_. Am I such a monster that I would _quadruple_ your pay - you remember that part, right? - to then set you off to hunt a defenseless human being?" The Huntsman said nothing. He stood unmoving, his arms still folded, and stared at her. The Queen's wild eyes and wicked grin finally faded into sullenness. " _Yes_ , it's a human, you... you mule! My daughter, in fact."

"Princess Snow??"

" 'Princess Snow?' " she echoed in a mocking tone. "Yes, her! She's not as pure and sweet and innocent as everyone thinks! She's a terrible daughter! Never bringing in her dirty dishes! Forgetting Mother's Day! Being all... beautiful and brainy and... Bleah! Now are you up for the job or not?"

"Have I mentioned that I hate my job?"

"I don't care! Kill her _Kill her_ **_KILL HER!_** "

"Whooooa, don't get your bustle unrustled," said the Huntsman. "Whatever. Consider it done." He bowed crisply and turned to leave, muttering to himself. "I can see why she 'forgets' Mother's Day..."

" **And bring me back her heart!** "

The Huntsman paused to take in her command, then shuddered. "Uff! She is a sick, sick woman..."

**************

"-And the pretty pond with the pretty fish is here?" said Princess Snow, walking carefully through the woods. The Huntsman followed her from several steps behind.

"Yeah, over there," he said vaguely. "Whatever water you find, there's pretty fish in it."

"Intriguing," said Snow, "I thought that I'd studied all nearby waterways in the area, but don't recall any of the fish being particularly colorful or unusual. But this will give me the opportunity to learn if my singing attracts water creatures the same way it does land ones. Oo, then we could have trout for lunch? Do you like trout?"

"Love it," said the Huntsman, fingering his knife. "Oh, there it is, Princess. Look closely into that pond. All sorts of pretty things there. Fish, frogs, uh, algae. Just keep looking that way.

"'Algae?'" she said, her nose crinkling. "I suppose that _some_ might regard it as aesthetically pleasing, somehow, but-- Oh! Of course! I'm forgetting the research being done with certain water flora for the use of biofuel! Yes, I should collect samples!"

"Right, that's what I meant," said the Huntsman, pulling his blade out as quietly as possible. "Start doing... scientific stuff. Experiments or whatever. Just stick with looking into the pond. You don't want any of the algae getting away!"

The Princess chuckled, and began turning around. "Oh, good Sir Huntsman, algae isn't _ambulatory_. You must be thinking of-- Oh!" She froze at the sight of the Huntsman looming behind her, his dagger out of its sheath and raised high in the air. In spite of himself, he was unable to move, either.

"Hi," he said. "You... had a bee on your back."

"And you planned on _stabbing_ this bee?" said the Princess. "While it's still on my back?"

"...I wasn't going to do it very hard?" he offered, and mimed very light movements of the knife.

After a solid five seconds of frozen staring, the Huntsman suddenly lowered his knife and began pacing worriedly. "Ah, crud," he muttered to himself. "Quadruple pay, I know, but _man_! Knifing a kid? Her _own_ kid?"

"Excuse me-"

"And for what? Getting good school marks? Being too blonde? Having _much_ bigger-?"

"Excuse me-"

"I was _this close_ to quitting, but _no_ , I was distracted by the green!" he continued ranting. "Well, forget this! She wants a freaking heart, I'll bring her one! I hope she likes _pork_ , because-!"

" ** _EXCUSE ME!!_** "

The Princess' voice echoed where there was no cause for an echo and rattled the Huntsman to the core. The sounds of the forest went silent a few seconds, then began again as if nothing had happened. After taking the time to catch his breath and calm his beating heart, the Huntsman turned to her.

She stood with her hands on her hips and adjusted her glasses before continuing. "Have you been speaking about my mother?"

"Yes," he said. "Why are you still here?? I was distracted long enough for you to at least try to run!"

"My curiosity was piqued," she said. The Huntsman rolled his eyes. "So, if I understood you, my own mother the Queen quadrupled your pay to take you here and then kill me? And... something about a pig's heart? Is that correct?"

The Huntsman spoke through gritted teeth. "Yes," he said. "But... I can't do it. You know, in a way, it's her own fault. I'm a _hunter_ , not an assassin! You'd think evil Queens like her-"

"Hey! Mother, remember?"

"Sorry," he said. "But hiring someone to kill your own kid - that's pretty high up the Evil-o-meter, isn't it?"

"True enough," said Snow. She straightened to her full height, which, to his annoyance, was greater than his. "I'll tell you what, Huntsman: for sparing my life, I shall spare yours when I return with an army of my own making to _overthrow my mother's reign of terror, **and establish myself as the rightful Queen of this land! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"**_

The Huntsman, wide-eyed and cringing by now, attempted a smile. "I-- I-- Yay?" And without another word, he fled from the forest to the castle of the evil Queen, which at the moment seemed a less dangerous place to be.

**************

Snow tromped through the dark forest, her initial enthusiasm for waging war fading away. Oh, she could boast about raising an army, but with whom? Where to start? She thought, and remembered that there were a couple of Princes... somewhere, but couldn't remember in which kingdoms and whether they were allies or enemies. It was heard to pick up on political nuances when spending most of her time in her lab-- er, bedroom, or outside.

As she walked and plotted to herself, it occurred to her that she had no idea where she'd wandered to. If she didn't know better, she'd swear that the various gnarled and twisted trees in this part of the forest had eyes and mouths and _faces_ and were leering at her. _Impossible, of course_ , she thought. Then: _Oh. Unless these trees are the resultant of genetic experimentation...!_

She quickened her pace and found herself in rapidly-thickening shrubbery and bracken and other words that describe thick vegetation, and, coupled with it now being night, she lost her footing and tumbled end over end down a hill. She struck her head on a rock at the bottom. The sky began to spin, and then blacken into nothingness.

**************

 **"--Eat hor?"** Snow heard a rough voice say through her haze.

 **"--vays tinkink uv eatink!"** said a second rough voice. Such a strange way of speaking.

 **"--diots! Use hyu noses!"** said a third rough voice, with the most authority, if it could be called that. Snow was more awake now, but kept her eyes shut. She heard loud sniffing.

 **"Ohhhh..."** two of the voices said at once. Then just the first: **"She smells goot! Hoy! Ve von't need no seasonink!"**

 **"Dummkopfs!"** said the third voice. **"She smells goot becoz she iz in de Vhite family! Iz probably de leedle gorl. De Prinzess!"**

**"Betty?"**

**"Vot? Dere iz no Prinzess Betty!"**

**"Oh, yas!"** said the first voice. **"Hyu iz tinkink uv de dead King's dead brodder, Barry. He married Betty-"**

The second voice countered, **"Yas, but dey had de leedle boy, Jack, not a gorl!"**

 ** _"SNOWWW!!!"_** she cried, sitting bolt upright, fingers curled into claws. " **I'M! SNOW! WHITE!** De leedle--! Ugh, the little Princess."

Now that her eyes were open, she took a moment to examine her possible rescuers / devourers. They appeared to be the sort who might do just the latter, given that their mouths were full of sharp teeth, indicating a primarily carnivorous diet, assuming there were no other teeth appropriate for grinding vegetation farther back in the mouth. Two of them sported an entirely unnatural skin tone for a human, though for trolls or ogres, perhaps perfectly in their range. The one with pinkish skin offset that natural look vis-a-vis a twisted horn replacing one of his ears, and feet too large to fit into anything but extremely custom footwear. And then there was-

 **"Iz hyu don staring at os, Prinzess?"** asked the third troll or ogre or whatever it-

"Huh?" she said. "Oh. Uh, sorry. I have a tendency to dissect things with my eyes. Also, I would appreciate it if you lost your interest in eating me."

 **"Sorry, Prinzess,"** said the first creature, who happened to be the horned one. **"Ve dun get much to eat here. Just bogs und roots und shtuff."**

"What about meat?" she asked. "How is the hunting here?"

The three creatures traded looks, then cringed. **"Ahhh,"** said the third. **"Ve dun hunt! Iz mean to de aminals!"**

 **"Ve iz miners!"** said the first creature.

" _And yet, you were discussing eating **me**?_ " she said icily.

 **"Vell, hyu know,"** said the first creature, **"Eff de aminal iz already dead-"** He was cut short by the third creature smacking him hard in the back of the head.

"Look," she said, "In spite of current circumstances, I could use some allies. I overheard you recognize me as a White. How do you know my family?"

 **"Ah, vell,"** said the third creature, their apparent leader. **"Ve sorved de Vhites long ago. Ve vas part uv deir elite guard! But den de King gots de vife - de Qveen - und she tokked him into firing os! Just like dot!"**

"Perhaps your aversion to _killing_ might have played a part in that?"

 **"Hyu tink so?"** he said with a shrug. **"Huh! Ve tot vas becoz she gots dis ting about byooty."**

 **"She vas jealous uv ours,"** offered the second creature, a violet-hued chap who was... not unpleasant to look at, at least.

"...Clearly," said Snow. "This must have happened before I was born. I would think I'd remember crea-- people like you. She  - my mother, that is - has been trying to kill _me_ because she believes me to be her aesthetic and intellectual superior." When they just stared unblinking at her, she adjusted her words. "She thinks I'm hotter and schmotter than she is."

 **"Ohhhhh,"** they all said at once, nodding. The third creature spoke. **"Yas, haffing seen both uv hyu now, ve agree."**

Snow blushed. "You know, we haven't been formally introduced. You know that I'm Princess Snow White. You are...?"

The third creature snapped his heels together and bowed. **"Ve iz de Jäger Brodders. Hy iz Bossy. He iz Flirty, und he iz Horny."**

"Hor-- I beg your pardon?"

 **"My birf name vas Randy,"** said Horny, **"But den de parents changed it vhen my horn grew."**

"Uh huh," said Snow, staring open-mouthed a moment. "You know, 'Jäger' means 'Hunter' in your language. Ironic, don't you think?"

 **"Vot language?"** said Flirty.

"...Germanic?"

 **"Vhy hyu tink dot'z our language?"** said Bossy. They all stared at her expectantly.

Snow found herself to be speechless for the first time, and shook it out. "Uh... So... Jäger Brothers, will you aid me in reclaiming my legacy as heir to the throne of... whatever this kingdom is called?"

 **"Yas, dese stories neffer bodder vit dot, do dey?"** said Flirty. The others nodded and murmured in agreement. **"But Prinzess, ve dun like de killing. Iz icky! But ve ken help in odder vays. Carry heavy tings und stuff. But not for free! Ve vill help hyu eff, uh... eff..."**

 **"Eff hyu cook und clean for os!"** said Horny. Again, the others nodded and murmured in agreement. Snow was incensed.

"That is extremely sexist of you all! For shame!"

Bossy waved it off. **"Ve dun care eff hyu iz byootiful Prinzess or hendsome Prince! Ve iz sick uv bogs und roots! Und ve dig all day und iz too tired to clean op! So... dot iz our price. Hyu do dot, und ve follow hyu."**

The Princess sighed in frustration, and took a moment to scan the contents of the Jagers' humble hovel. It definitely needed some tidying. A _lot_ of tidying. The place was strewn with junk. With debris. With _parts_...

"I'll do it," she announced. "Go do whatever you do during the day, and I'll put something together for you."

 **"VOO HOO!"** said Horny. The three gathered their tools and equipment and set off for work, whistling as they went.

****

Upon their return, they were greeted to a most wondrous sight (aside from the Princess): their humble hovel was not only spotlessly clean, but filled with the most delectable aromas they had ever encountered. Their one table had been cleared of junk and old tools and laid out with an elegant feast fit for royalty. Steam rose from the lid covering a tureen of soup, fresh bread was piled high on a platter, roasted vegetables and candied fruits were spread all about, and at the center of the table was roast venison that was still steaming hot, having just been pulled from their oven.

Flanking the Princess were six automatons, each standing at attention and ready to tend to the Jäger Brothers and their meal. The Jäger Brothers stared, dumbfounded, and leaned in close to whisper to one another.

 **"Look at dis!"** said Horny. **"Hy din know ve haff a tablecloth?"**

 **"Hy din know ve haff silverware for de dishes?"** said Flirty.

 **"Hy din know ve haff dishes!?!"** said Bossy.

As one, they let their tools and equipment drop, and they scrambled over each other to find a seat and dig in. The automatons were too slow to come around the table and pull out their chairs for them, and so stood behind them at attention.

"Boys," Snow said gently. They were too distracted by the FOOD to hear her, and gobbled their merry way.

"Boys."

 _Gobble monch gobble monch gobble BURRRRRR_ -

"BOYS!!"

The three stopped at once and looked her way, blinking. **"Vot?"** said Bossy. **"Ach! Ve iz rude eediots! Prinzess, hyu haff a seat, too!"**

" _No_ , I'm referring to our agreement earlier," she said, folding her arms and looking down her glasses at them.

 **"Vhere hyu get all dis stuff?"** asked Flirty. **"Dis iz vunderbar!"**

"Well," she said, "One thing that all those gems you mine can be used for is - oh, I don't know - _currency_? As soon as I made the first clank, I sent it into town with some gems to get food. As for the deer, my second clank-"

 **"Vot iz 'klenk?' "** asked Horny. Bossy smacked him in the head again.

 **"Dummkopf, iz dose metal guyz!"** he said. **"Only schmott pipple like hor ken make dem! Hoy, Prinzess! Iz vun uv dem goot at cleaning toes?"** He pointed at Horny. **"Becoz _his_ iz really-"**

"Eeeyugh!" she said, recoiling. The clanks near her made the same motions. "Bossy, no! Bad Jäger Brother! Bad! Now, I don't mind you continuing with your meal, but I've fulfilled my end of our agreement. What do you say to yours? Do you promise to follow me? Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?"

 **"Ve--!"** Horny began dramatically, then stopped to wrinkle his brow and scratch his chin. **"Vot vas dot last part?"**

 **"Yas, Prinzess!"** said Bossy. **"Ve haff... all dot stuff hyu said!"**

**"Ve does?"**

**"Hoy!"** said Flirty, raising his mug. The others followed. **"To Shnow Vhite! Long liff de Prinzess und true ruler uv--! Uh..."**

 **"-Uv vateffer dis kingdom iz!"** said Horny.

**"HOY!"**

\--To be continued!


	2. Schnow Vhite und de T'ree Jägers, Part Tu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just sumting fun vit de Girl Genius crew, heigh ho, heigh ho, hy hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally shared with the horde at Jagerkin.tk, as well as Livejournal and Wordpress.
> 
> "This story is not approved by, sponsored by or affiliated with Studio Foglio LLC or Airship Entertainment."

\-----------------------

_When last we left our heroes... er, heroine, Princess Snow White, she had escaped death at the hands of her evil mother's Huntsman, then talked the three slow but well-meaning miners, the Jäger Brothers, into aiding her quest to return with an army of her own making to overthrow her mother's reign of terror **and establish herself as the rightful Queen of the land! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!**_

The Huntsman was all set to carry out his ruse. He picked out the biggest pig from the pen, Babe, slaughtered it for the night's meal, and carefully cut out the heart. To distract the Queen, he packed it in a lovingly-crafted, ornate box with jewels and filigree and everything, in case she wanted to reuse it for jewelry or something.

"Mmm, nice box," mused the Queen. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before opening it. She flipped open the hinged lid and stared inside, blinking several times before shutting it. She gave the Huntsman a hard look.

"What is this?" she said.

The Huntsman shrugged. "Fresh Princess heart? You... yelled about wanting her heart after all the, uh... killing?"

"I see," she said, peeking once more into the box before snapping it shut. "And did the 'Princess' have cloven hooves and a curly tail?"

"...Sorry?"

" _Did... the Princess... have-?_ "

"Nonono, I heard you," he said. "I was just... No, of course she didn't. And.... you might want to know that she, uh... she died very bravely. With quiet dignity and grace."

"Curses!" the Queen spat through her teeth. "I wanted her to die begging and blubbering for her life!"

"Oh, uh, she did that, too!" said the Huntsman. "After the quiet dignity and-"

" _ **Do you take me for a fool??**_ " bellowed the Queen, shaking the box at him. "Hm? Did you actually believe that you could bring me the heart of a _pig_ and tell me it came from my daughter?? Will you next urinate on me and tell me it's raining??"

"Yeeeugh, that's disg-"

" _I have doctorates in Internal **and** Veterinary Medicine!!_" she cried. "With specializations in Orthopedics and Cardiology! And a minor in Liberal Arts. But still-!" She opened the box and tossed the heart into the blazing fireplace. "How dare you betray me thus?? Such a simple task: kill my only child! And you couldn't even... You looked into her sad and soulful eyes, didn't you? Didn't you??"

"Yeah, see, I wouldn't call them 'sad' or 'soulful,'" he said. "They're more like... They're kinda spooky and even a little creepy. She does this thing like... like she's _dissecting_ you with her eyes, and-"

" **ENOUGH!** " The Queen shrieked in rage. " **Geisterdamen!** " She clapped her hands quickly. " **Come at once and remove this traitor!** " She thrust a finger in his face. "They will take you to the gallows to make a reservation with the executioner! The poor man. He's been absolutely swamped for weeks now. _So_ many traitors in my kingdom these days. It's inconceivable!"

"Really?" he said. "You sure you know what that word means?"

" ** _Geisterdamen!!_** " she cried again, stamping her foot. When they still did not come, she pointed at the Huntsman. "You stay here! I'll be right back!"

"Oh, the honor system, huh?" he said. "Works for me." He waited two seconds after the Queen left the room, then ran like hell.

The Queen stormed across the hall, where the Geisterdamen's temple was. She threw open the doors and filled the frame, glowering at her high priestesses. They had their backs to her and had gathered at the far end of the room, mingling by the basin used for washing up after their sacrifices. They held mugs full of a steaming-hot liquid with a nutty aroma. In their other hands they held small sticks of paper that glowed at one end. For some reason some of them were sucking on the non-glowing ends. Weirdos. They were all sharing loud laughter. Her highest priestess spoke over them.

"-Ohmygoddess I knoooow!" she said. "And then she's all-- ' _Fooools! Who is leaving the lids up on the personal sanitary disposals? Ahhh, everything enrages me, ahhh_!' "

"Oh, like, tell me about it!" gasped another. "Like, there was this one time? This cook had to- _ach, Scheisse!_ " She drew their attention to the Queen's presence, and she and the other Geisterdamen quickly dropped their burning sticks into their mugs, piled them all noisily into the basin, and whipped around to face the Queen, their hands posed in their customary praying position.

The most geist of the Geisterdamen spoke. "We serve you unwaveringly, oh our Quee-"

"Shut up," she said, striding into the room and stopping to regard them all with a baleful eye. She held her hand in front of the most geist's face. "You will no longer speak to _me_. You are unworthy to face my countenance. Instead you will address my _hand_ as if it were me!"

The Geisterdamen traded furtive looks. The most geist of them spoke again. "We serve you unwaveringly, oh hand of our Quee-"

"Silence!" snapped the Queen. "Leave now and drag away that traitorous Huntsman to the gallows!" They bowed to her hand and raced from the room as one, leaving the Queen to fume and gloat to herself.

"Once again my aggravating child has slipped from the icy fingers of death and is even now... not dead! This means I must enact my own revenge! Rrrrr, I hate having to do things on my own! That's sooo lower class. But nevertheless, if you want something _done_ , you have to-!"

She had turned to address the Geisterdamen, only to be reminded of their absence. With no audience to rage at and humiliate, she quickly gathered her skirt and left the room with quiet dignity and grace.

**************

The Jäger Brothers' humble hovel was by now overrun with Princess Snow's automatons, or "clanks," as she liked to call them. No doubt because of the annoying clanking and hissing noises they made to the Jägers' keen ears. Worse than the clanks, though, were the bizarre abominations before man and God she had created from local fauna. No thesaurus existed to properly describe them, or their chronicler was simply too lazy to try. The Jäger Brothers kept a wary distance.

The Princess turned out to be quite literal about an army of her own making. One clank was made for cooking and cleaning, and was the Jägers' to keep. The rest were battle clanks and meant for overthrowing her mother's reign of terror and establishing herself as the rightful Queen of the land muahaha etc etc.

The Princess was hunched over their large table and was scribbling and drawing on piles of papers. After a time she paused to review her work, gathered up scattered pages, tapped them into evenness, and cleared her throat.

"What do you think of these?" she said to the gathered brothers. "After we've stormed the castle and beaten her defenses and rendered her helpless, I'll look her in the eyes and say this: 'HA! _Now_ who's the hottest and schmottest of them all??' And then off with her head!" She looked to the Jägers, who traded looks and shrugged at her. "No? Okay, how about: 'Mother: I forgive what you have done to me. After you've been hanged!!' Then of course, she'd have to be hanged. Otherwise it just becomes ironic, and I have no taste for that." More exchanged looks and shrugs. "Fine. Now this one is quiet, but powerful: 'Hello. I am your daughter, Snow White. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' And I'd say that with an eerie calm-"

 **"Prinzess,"** said Bossy, **"Ve get de revenge ting, und hyu mama iz bad lady, but she iz still hyu mama. Vhy not, hyu know, lock her avay or sumting? Und den _ve_ vould guard hor! Ve dun keel, but ve iz toff guyz. Verra strong und hard to keel und liff a _long_ time!"**

"Hmph," said Snow in apparent disappointment. "I'll consider your proposition. We're just going to have to play this by ear. She might leave me no choice but for execution. By the way, thank you for the offer of being her guards for the rest of your lives. Upon her death I was going to offer you positions like majordomo and seneschal, but guard is good, too."

 **"Keel de Qveen!"** said Flirty.

 **"Now, now,"** said Bossy, **"Like de Prinzess said, ve vill play our ears."** He lowered his voice to mutter. **"Vateffer _dot_ means."** Then aloud: **"Prinzess, hyu tink hyu iz ready for dis? To storm de kestle und all dot? Remember: ve ken carry all hyu heavy shtuff!"**

"So you've pointed out," she said, standing up and stretching. "I work with what I've got. We'll make our move soon, but for now, I need some air. Maybe walk into town, get a gauge for who might be a good recruit for my coup. Get a few groceries. Want anything?"

Armed with requests for 'de leedle cheese balls dot's rolled in nuts' and roast mimmoth on a stick (with trunks), she fetched a red cloak with a hood and set off with her basket to gather goodies.

***

The people in town were glum folk. No doubt the Queen's excess taxation and constant executing of "traitors" had gradually gotten them a bit down of late. As Snow quietly watched the people go glumly about their glum business, she resolved to herself to right these terrible wrongs and earn their love and trust. The constant executions would stop. There would be a solid legal system put into place, overseen by learned scholars of the law. And the excess taxes would--! Now that, she'd have a team of accountants look over. No need to make hasty decisions.

As for groceries, the cheese seller was all out of the kind rolled in nuts. But at least there were roasted mimmoths aplenty today. Unfortunately the latest food trend was to remove the trunks, fry them, and serve them with fish. Fish and sniffs, the locals called it.

As it happened there was an old woman running a nut stand. It seemed a bit quickly put together, and the woman was so old and haggard that Snow wondered if she weren't a caricature of an old woman rather than a real one, but realized she was thinking rude thoughts unbecoming of a Princess, and said nothing of it. Ugly people deserved to live their lives. Even desperately lonely lives. At Snow's approach the old woman showed a smile filled with dirty and jagged teeth. The Princess-incognito fought back a bit of bile, but smiled in return.

"Ohhh," said the old woman, clasping her hands together dramatically, "Such a lovely young woman you are! It will be my pleasure to serve someone as pretty as you today! And please: everyone _loves_ my nuts!"

Snow raised an eyebrow at that, then pulled a small sack from her basket. "They smell fresh enough," she said. "Will you fill this with a balanced mix of nuts?"

"Cashews," said the old woman, taking the sack. "You'll want cashews, of course?"

"...Uh, yes, along with almonds, pecans, walnuts, peanuts, and whatever else you have."

"Such an intelligent blend, too!" she continued. "Such a brilliant mix of protein with the cashews! It'll hide the poi-- Give a good mix of flavoring and aroma. Such an intelligent girl!"

"If... this is all to flatter me into buying more," said Snow, "It's not working. It's a bit creepy, actually."

"Ah..." said the old woman, and stopped filling the sack to stare at her uncomfortably. "All right, then." She thrust the sack almost in Snow's face.

"Thanks," she said, taking it cautiously. "How much?"

"Oh, no, no, no, dearie!" said the old woman. "Compliments of the house today! For such a charming and intelligent girl!"

"...There's no catch for this?" asked Snow. "Because according to basic economics, the bartering and trading of goods and services should be at the very least equitable for both parties, and to simply _give away_ your goods and/or services creates a severe imbalance of-"

"I _said_ , your money's no good here, you no-good--!" The old woman stopped herself and glanced side to side furtively. Snow furrowed her brow and leaned in more closely to study the woman. She disarmed Snow with yet another unappetizing smile.

"Make an old, ugly woman happy, dearie," she said. "Take this gratis and-- I don't know, spread the word about my succulent and juicy nuts, won't you? That, um... Craaaazy Hattie has craaaazy prices! So crazy that they're free today! Something like that."

"Ohhhh," said Snow, nodding. "I see. Word-of-mouth. Free advertising. Yes, I hadn't considered that. This bears future study. Good day, craaaazy nut woman!"

The old woman flashed a parting hideous smile and waved to Snow as she moved on for other groceries. After Snow had moved out of earshot, a young man stepped up.

"I heard you say all your nuts are free?"

"Five silvers a pound!" spat the old woman.

***********

Back at the hovel, Snow set the cooking clank to the task of making the cheese balls and keeping the mimmoths warm. She took a portion of the nuts for herself and left the rest to the clank for crushing. By the time the Jäger Brothers returned from the day's mining, she was hammering open walnuts and filling her mouth.

 **"Heigh ho, vat a day!** " said Bossy, dropping his tools and arching his back. **"Oooo, hyu gots de mimmoths!"**

"Mm-hm," she said with a full mouth. She chewed slowly, swallowed, then grabbed a handful of cashews and threw all of those into her mouth. "Mmph," she said, "I don't think these have been cooked enough."

 **"Hy gots dibs on de cheese balls!"** said Horny, and tried to push past his brothers. A good-natured wrestling match ensued as the three brothers flipped and pinned and twisted each other away from the food. Snow felt herself getting caught up in the fun and stood up to join the fray.

A dizziness overwhelmed her to start. She stumbled, and reached out to the brothers. They were too involved in their match to notice; one of them bumped her and sent her backwards onto the couch. Colors seeped away from her sight, until only a greyness to everything was left. She struggled to form thoughts and words.

"Help me..." she croaked. In an instant, the brothers halted their roughhousing and pricked up their ears.

 **"Vat?"** said Bossy. **"Prinzess? Vat iz-"**

"Mother," she whispered. "The Queen. Should have realized then. Observational skills underutilized. Deductive reasoning ignored. Quantitative-"

 **"Prinzess!"** he cried, grabbing her in both arms. **"Vat heppened? Vat ve do? Vat ve gotta do??"**

"Cashews were raw," she groaned, her head lolling to the side. "Poison!"

 **"Really?"** said Horny. **"Dey ain't dot bad vhen raw. Just kinda makes a rash und itchy-"**

" **Mebbe she'z allergic, eediot!** " said Bossy. **"Prinzess! Dun die! Hyu gotta tell os vat to do! _Schnow! Pleeze dun die!_ "**

"The Queen..." she moaned. "Dressed like old nut seller. _Bad_... cashews!" Her eyes went wide. She suddenly sat up and gripped Bossy's arm tightly. **"Avenge me!!"** Then her grasp slipped from his arm. She gurgled loudly, then went limp in Bossy's arms. Her eyelids fluttered dramatically before closing forever.

The other Jägers stood stunned and motionless. Bossy gently laid her onto the couch and stood silently with them. Horny no longer bothered holding back his tears. Flirty removed his hat and lowered his head. Bossy wiped at his nose. His hand was shaking. He let it take over his whole body, until he threw back his head and howled

**"QVEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!"**

**"She gon to trial for dis vun, for shor!"** said Flirty. Bossy said nothing, but went to their tools and equipment and began strapping on his gear. He barely looked over his shoulder as he tossed his brothers' respective tools their way. Pickaxes. Sledgehammers. Hatchets. Their reflexes were good enough to snatch them from the air, but they did not know his purpose.

 **"Bossy,"** said Horny, **"Ve gon send de klenks to arrest hor? Und ve carry deir shtuff?"**

 **"No,"** said Bossy, his rough voice rougher than it had ever been. **"VE HUNT."**

*************

The Queen was having a particularly rough time with the spirit gum remover. A third of her old lady makeup hung off her face. It would be the last time she'd purchase her materials from the Halloween discount bin. And now there was also this noise and _ruckus_ outside her chamber door. She stomped to the doorway and peered up and down the corridor.

"Be quiet, you fools!" she shouted to anyone who might hear. "I need full concentration!"

A frantic Geisterdame almost ran past her, but recognized the Queen in time. She halted and clapped her hands together. "Oh, hand of my Queen, there is-"

The Queen responded by slapping the ghostly woman and scowling. " _What_ is this commotion?" she demanded. "This had better not be another attempt to throw a shindig! I told you, there will be no Lollapalooza hullabaloo brouhahas!"

"No, oh my... Queen," she said, uncertain now which body part to address. "Invaders! The castle has been breached by ruffians and hooligans! Armed ones. My sisters and I race now to protect you!"

"Inconceivable!" hissed the Queen. "Snow adores nuts; especially cashews! She couldn't have resisted them. Oh, why do I never watch my deathtraps to their completion??"

 ** _"Take de kestle!"_** rough voices were heard from outside. **_"Get de Qveen!"_**

She rushed to her chamber's balcony and peered over. In the darkness she spied three troll-like creatures. They seemed familiar, but she was distracted by the squad of ramshackle clanks that joined them in raising a ruckus. She peered at them, then smiled wickedly. Schmotter than she, indeed! If her daughter lived, and thought to defeat her with an army of _junk_ , she had another think coming!

Her castle's deathtraps were activating. The Queen chuckled to herself. The pieces of junk were certain to be--! Plowing through all the castle's defenses unimpeded. That, and the horrible dismemberment of her personal guard and army by constructs too foul for even she to gaze upon. Huh. She had not expected this. She whirled around dramatically to give orders to the Geisterdame, and was perplexed by the dark red forming in the center of the priestess' otherwise pure white clothing.

"I'm afraid..." said the Geisterdame, "I have served you... waveringly." She fell straight forward, dead, revealing one of those junky clanks behind her, its sword covered with blood. It hissed steam as it advanced on the Queen.

"Er... touché?" she said.

The Jäger Brothers rushed through the door as one. **"No, klenk!"** said Bossy. **"Hyu shtay on dose spooky vimmin! Ve gots de Qveen!"**

"SSSURE," hissed the clank. "GLORYHOUNDS," it added quietly before hissing and clattering away.

"Oh..." said the Queen, backing away slowly, "Oh, I remember you now! You're the... those useless guards we fired years ago! Ugly as sin and yet unable to do your duty! More concerned with watching butterflies flit about than fighting for your Queen! You can look at me now as fierce as you like, but I know that you won't kill me! Because you're cowards! Because it's too 'icky' for you!"

 **"Yas,"** said Bossy. **"Iz verra icky."**

 **"Und ve still vatch bodderflies,"** said Flirty. **"Dey iz pretty."**

Said Horny, **"But ve lorned dot hyu just gots to haff de right tings to fight for."**

 **"Den iz goot day for hyu, Qveen,"** said Bossy.

 **"Ve gots tings to fight for,"** said Flirty.

 **"Yas,"** said Horny. **"Ve fights for vengeance!"**

 **"For jostice!"** said Bossy.

 **"For de Shire!"** said Flirty. The others stopped advancing and stared. **"No? Not even for Fro-?"**

 ** _"Ve fights for Schnow Vhite!"_** said Horny. The Queen cringed. **_"Today... VE FIGHTS TO KEEL!"_**

**_"GEISTERDAMEEEEEEE-*"_ **

*******

Word spread quickly, as word does, of the death of Queen of {{mumblemumble}}, and people across the land began celebrating. The Jäger Brothers, however, had no cause to celebrate. The Queen was dead, yet at the cost of their beloved Prinzess. They fashioned a lovely casket for her, with carvings and floral filigree and glass all around for viewing her lovely corpse. Don't ask where they got all the fancy stuff. Just... don't.

They brought her glass coffin to a picturesque clearing in the forest, then stood around her in silence: heads bowed, hats off. After several minutes, an adorable bunny hopped close to the motionless Brothers. Horny stomped on its head, then threw it into his sack for a later meal. In her honor.

****

Two handsome and charming twin Princes rode together through the forest on their magnificent steeds. The slightly older Prince regally tossed his brown mop of hair from his eyes. His slightly younger brother finished cleaning his round spectacles before re-donning them. The first Prince caught sight of the somber scene ahead, and poked his brother.

"Behold, Brother!" he whispered. "Three ogres are advancing on that tender maiden in a sun-tanning booth!"

His brother sighed. "Tender maidens and their beauty fads. By the way, they don't seem to be doing any 'advancing,' per se. If I had to guess-"

"No time for talk! Hyah!" said the first Prince, who drew his sword and kicked his horse into a gallop. "Beware, brutish beasts! Menace not that fair maiden, or face our justice! Ha-ha!"

His brother sighed again, then kicked his own horse into a trot.

The Prince reached the clearing and turned his steed abruptly to face his prey. The Jäger Brothers leaned on their weapons casually and watched him flail his sword about. The second Prince arrived just afterwards. The first Prince dismounted and advanced on the Brothers.

"Release that innocent girl now, or-!"

{{SMACK!}}

The Prince held his cheek in pain and shock. " _How dare you-?!_ "

 **"Shot op!"** said Bossy. **"Dis iz memorial service, hyu eediots! Show sum respect!"**

"Memorial service?" said the second Prince, dismounting. "For--? Oh, dear. For the fair maiden?"

 **"No, for os,"** said Bossy. **"Ov coz for de fair maiden! De Prinzess!"**

"Princess??" the two brothers said at once, and raced to the coffin. They peered through the glass, enchanted by what they saw. They spoke low and conspiratorily. "Ooo, not bad!" "Hmm, pretty well-preserved for a corpse!" "Think she's schmott, too?" "Yes, and nice child-bearing hips!" "I wish we could check the teeth-?"

 **"Beck off, boys!"** said Bossy. **"Dis is not side show! Hyu go on hyu vay or sumting. Go on. Shoo."**

"Ah, you must forgive us," said the second Prince. "There's been a misunderstanding. Allow us to introduce ourselves. My oafish brother here is Prince Handsome. I am Prince Charming. And you are?"

 **"Ve iz de Jäger Brodders!"** said Bossy. **"Bossy, Flirty, und Horny."**

"That tells us _who_ you are," said Charming, "But not-- Did you say 'Horny?'" Bossy nodded. "Uh... B-but I was saying that it doesn't tell us _what_ you are. If you don't mind our asking?"

 **"Ve iz--! De Jäger Brodders,"** said Bossy. An awkward silence ensued.

"...Well, all right, then," said Charming, "The reason we're anywhere near here is that our father, the King, has commanded us to marry. We heard that the Queen of this land is single, so we were on our way to woo her."

The Jäger Brothers chuckled amongst themselves. **"Vell, eff hyu like de dead gorls, go ahead. De Qveen is dead!"**

 **"Yas!"** said Horny. **"Long liff Qveen Schn-! Ah. Ohhhhhh..."** He dissolved into tears while the others offered comfort.

"So..." said Handsome, "This would be the uncrowned-Queen Schn, eh? Ah, such a shame."

 **"Iz _Schnow_ , dummkopf,"** said Bossy.

 **"Hoy!"** said Flirty, smacking him on the shoulder. **"Guyz, dey iz Prinzes? Hyu iz Prinzes?"** They nodded. **"Den ve gots a chance!"**

**"Vat iz hyu tokking about, hyu krazy bodderfly-vatcher?"**

**"Dese royal pipples gots magic leeps or sumting!"** said Flirty. **"Hyu know, for breaking curses und shtuff! Like dot Shleeping Gorl und de prinze frogs und beasts und shtuff! Eff dese guyz iz royal, und Schnow iz deir True Luff, dey ken vake hor vit smootchies!"**

Handsome folded his arms and smirked. "Wellll," he said, "We don't like to brag."

" _You_ do," said Charming.

 **"Pleeze giff it a try, Prinzes?"** said Flirty. **"Und eff it dun vork... und she iz still... dead... at least ve gets closure, yas?"**

The two Princes huddled and consulted one another. After a time, they broke and faced the Jägers. Handsome resumed his arms-folded-smirk position. "My reptilian brother and I have decided: Heck, why not? She looks pretty fresh in there. I'll do it."

"Uhh, excuse me?" said Charming. He pulled a coin from a pocket. "Let chance decide?"

"Oh, enough with your jealousy, little man!" said Handsome. "I am next in line to the throne, so I get first crack at it!"

" _Only_ if you do my chores for a year," said Charming. "Father did _not_ specify which of us was to marry the local girl in charge."

Handsome glared at his brother, but stroked his chin in true consideration. Finally he nodded and offered his hand. "Fine. For a year." They shook on it, and Handsome engaged the Jägers in carefully removing the glass lid of Snow's coffin.

He stood by her side, turning his head this way and that as if reviewing her at different angles. He pulled out some breath spray and spritzed inside, then smacked his lips. He took a deep breath, snuck in a subtle, quick peek at her teeth, then slowly, surely, leaned in closer to-

 **"Dun forget de True Luff!"** said Flirty.

 **"Yas,"** said Horny. **"Hyu gots to feel it! Vhen a man luffs a voman, he kent keep his mind on notting-!"**

"Do you mind??" said Handsome, glowering at them both. They withdrew, contrite. He returned his attention to Snow's corpse, took a deep breath, and then slowly, surely, leaned in closer to her lips. He smooched them quickly and straightened up, dusting off his hands. "All right, now we-"

 **"Vat vos dot??"** Flirty shouted. **"Dot vas a terrible kiss! Hyu couldn't vake a fly vit dot!"**

"Look, when you have royal lips, the technique doesn't matter-"

Flirty pushed the Prince aside and harumphed.

" _Excuse me_ ," said Charming, "I believe that I had a turn?"

 **"Hyu go, after hy show hyu de right vay!"** At that, Flirty stood by the Princess' side solemnly. He removed his hat and set it aside on the glass, took a deep breath, and leaned in. He hovered his lips above hers, letting his breath warm them. Then he leaned in just enough to brush gently against her lips, and paused. A moment later, he ended his lesson with a long, full kiss.

He straightened up abruptly, fluffed his hat before re-donning it, and stomped over to rejoin his brothers. He traded looks with them before nodding firmly at the Princes. Charming held up a finger.

"You know, it _was_ my turn-"

"Oh!" said a voice that was definitely female. It came from behind the Princes. The Jäger Brothers saw the Princess first. She was alive. Alive!! Their faces glowed with a joy that put the sparkles of their mined gems to shame.

 **"Schnoww!!"** cried Bossy. She was surrounded immediately by the trio.

"Ah, see?" said Handsome. "My kiss just had a delayed reaction."

 **"Oh, yas,"** muttered Flirty. **"Delayed."**

"What's all this commotion about?" said Snow, confused by her surroundings. "Is this a tanning booth?"

 **"Come on out, Schnow!"** said Bossy, and pulled her up and out in a smooth, effortless move. Many embraces and much laughter ensued.

Snow held up her hands. "I need a moment to get sorted, if you don't mind. Apparently I... fell asleep in a bathtub? That must have been some party; wish I remembered it! And why do I taste cashews? But I suppose that's irrelevant. Bossy, where are my forces? Have my clanks been oiled and cleaned and _who are you two??_ "

The two Princes were taken aback by her sudden attention, and now by her piercing, questioning gaze. Like they were being disse-

"I am Prince Handsome," he said quickly to shake off the effect.

"Prince Charming. Hello."

"Really," she said. "Have a high opinion of ourselves, do we?"

"Said the woman named after frozen water vapor,"said Handsome. "We happen to be twin brothers. And you-" He bowed deeply and added a flourish "-Are the reason we are here, Princess Schnow."

"I... What?" she said. She looked to the Jägers. "Hey: are they legit royalty?"

" **Mebbe?"** said Bossy with a shrug. **"So far dey iz just eediots. Hyu see-"**

" _You know_ ," Handsome said firmly, "I happened to have revived you with my kiss." He moved himself between her and Flirty to hide his death glare. "Scientifically implausible, I know, but it's a royal thing. What can I say?"

Snow stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Have an interest in the sciences, do you?"

"Absolutely," he said. "We are both certified super-geniuses. Patrons of invention and the arts."

Snow snapped her fingers. "Your inventions: name two!"

Handsome straightened up and flashed a smug smile. "Velcro and aglets, my dear Princess!"

"Oooo, I like Velcro," she said. "But aglets?"

"The little hard pieces at the end of shoelaces and other-"

"-strings and cords and such," she finished, nodding. "Oh, yes, quite useful. And which of you is heir to the throne?"

"That would be," said Charming, "I regret to say: Him. He came out minutes before me, so of course that counts for typical succession laws."

"Oh, don't get yourself started again..."

" _Your_ inventions," said Snow. "Name two!"

"Well," he said, "I don't invent _things_ , per se, but my latest project is the analysis of and eventual reformation of our current, archaic sociopolitical and economic infrastructure. Now I _am_ grateful for having been born into a family of rank and wealth, but our feudalistic system of inherited leadership, which pays _no_ heed to the voice of the common man nor any basis of merit, needs a complete restructuring!"

Handsome smirked and leaned into Snow. "Translation: he wishes he were next in line." They shared a snicker.

"It does not stem from jealousy!" Charming protested. "Power should be in the hands of educated, enlightened philosopher-kings who do not choose to rule, but are chosen to rule by the people! Not a pure, full democracy, but a Republic of-"

"Oh!" said Snow, in full laughter. "Oh, my goodness! _Plato_? Really?"

"Tell me about it!" said Handsome. "Hey, Charm! Explain the Allegory of the Cave to the young lady!"

"Oh!" she said. "Oh, please don't! Handsome, your brother is adorable! Leaders chosen by 'the people'-BWAAAA HA HA HA HA HA-!" The two of them were lost in laughter for a full minute before Snow pulled herself from it.

"Ohhhh," she said, catching her breath. "Oh, sir, I am sorry. Truly. We only just met, and here I am mocking you. Please accept my apologies." Charming, his arms folded, offered her a nod, but nothing more. She continued. "Studying philosophy is, uh... has its uses. I also plan to reform the kingdom after my mother has been overthrown and I claim my place on the throne as Queen of the land. Muaha. I shall reform our legal system, our education. Maybe even offer Science to 'the people.' "

"Exactly!" said Charming, his passion renewed. "Education should be a right, not a privilege! Not just Science, but History, Literature, the Arts, Philosophy-"

"I said Science."

"Yes, _and_ History, Literature-"

**_"I SAID SCIENCE!"_ **

No one dared speak as long as Snow's steely gaze was upon them. Bossy finally stepped up.

 **"Prinzess,"** he said, **"Ve see dot hyu dun know dis. De Qveen; she iz already overthrown!"**

"What?"

 **"Yas,"** said Horny. **"Ve took de klenks und dose much too scary aminals und shtormed de kestle! De Qveen vas keeled! Hyu iz de new Qveen now!"**

"But... but..."

"Long live Queen Schnow," said Handsome with a wink.

**"Hoy!"**

"Wait a minute!" she said, waving her hands. "How could... What are you saying? That after all my... my years of suffering at her hands, and preparation of my revolution and... I just slept the whole thing away?? You three did my work for me??"

 **"Vell... yas,"** said Horny. **"Hyu vas dead! Poisoned on bad nuts! Hyu last vords vas ' _Avenge me!_ ' Vat else ve supposed to do?"**

"But it's so anticlimactic," she moped. "I'd written speeches and everything."

 **"Ah, Schnow,"** said Bossy, **"Iz hokeh. Dun be mad, hokeh? Besides! Hyu iz still great leader!"**

 **"Yas!"** said Horny. **"Hyu inspired os to Hunt und Keel!"**

"Awww, I love you guys!"

"Both noble aspirations, to be sure," said Handsome. "Well, your Majesty. We came here to woo this land's Queen, and... Shall we begin the wooing?"

Charming rubbed his hands with hair tonic and rubbed it through his hair.

"Um...." said Snow. "Sure. Oh, how difficult this will be, you're both so worthy, I feel the same way about each of you, etc. In which case, I shall decide scientifically: 'Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.' Oh, sorry, Flirty. I pointed there accidentally."

**"But-!"**

"In which case, congratulations, Handsome!" she said. "Consider me wooed." He squealed with delight in a most unprincely way. "No offense, Charming," she said. "You know how these political marriages are, right? We might end up growing fond of each other, but we'll both have many lovers on the side. You understand."

All three Jäger Brothers flashed grins to beat all grins.

"I'll try," said Charming. "You know, someday the system _will_ change. The world will see new leadership by the intelligentsia - a technocracy! Leaders bound only by the possibilities of pure Knowledge! By Euclid: It will be a _paradise_!"

Handsome chuckled. "I'm still next in line, brother."

"Gyahh!"

*********

The Huntsman lived and returned to trade school to learn a new, much safer vocation: crab fisherman. The crabs lived happily ever after.

The surviving Geisterdamen formed a successful and popular haunted house and horror exhibit company. They earned extra money by hiring themselves as inhabitants of their own exhibits, and lived happily ever after.

The Jäger Brothers left the mining business and became Generals of the Grand Army. They killed happily ever after.

Prince Charming became Minister of (Science!) Education. Later he married a former cleaning woman with ghastly step-relatives and a "thing" for shoes. They shopped happily ever after.

Queen Snow White married Prince Handsome in the Big Event of the year. Simply anyone who was anyone attended and left lavish gifts. The royal couple especially enjoyed the little cages for their future children. They lived happily ever after, and showed them. Showed them all.


End file.
